Two of the most common mistakes that parents make.

Summary by Staff Writer

Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs on the planet and many people are overwhelmed with the responsibility. Parents often doubt themselves, they worry about having done enough or having done too much. A parent’s list of worries is endless but there are some mistakes that can be avoided.

One of the things I hear most often from parents that come in to see me is that they are devastated by what their kids are going through. They wonder if they are doing the right things as they raise their children. They want to know what they can do. I’ve noticed that there are usually two major mistakes parents make, under reacting and overreacting.

Underestimating

When parents underestimate a problem, when they don’t give it much importance, they tend to not take the necessary actions to address what is going on. For example, parents often dismiss it when their child says something like “I hate you, I hate this family”. They brush off statements like this as their child being a brat or not appreciating their family.

Instead of dismissing statements like this, parents really need to reflect and think about what might be happening in the home environment. Is there a lot of fighting? Is there a lot of criticism? Simply labeling your child as “ungrateful” or “bad” is under reacting to the problem. Take this opportunity to find out more about why your child hates the family. It is certainly normal to occasionally be frustrated with your family or to be overwhelmed by something that is happening but ongoing feelings of hate and anger indicate that there is something definitely wrong.

The most extreme example of underestimating a problem is when you child says “I just want to die. I want to kill myself”. Too many parents react to statements like this by thinking their child is just making it up. Parents shrug it off saying their child is weird or dramatic, that they are just looking for attention.

They are looking for attention and they need it. They need attention from you and from a professional. When your child is making statements about harming themselves, it is critical that they get help. Your child needs you to take this seriously and help them find out what is behind these feelings. They might be depressed or anxious, maybe they are being bullied or abused. Whatever it is that they are going through, parents shouldn’t write it off as simple attention seeking behavior. Parents have to give this the time and attention it requires.

Children often tell their parents that they are in pain and that they need help. Never shrug off threats of suicide as melodrama. Statements of “I want to die” or “I don’t care anymore” should be treated seriously. While everybody can have a sad day or two here and there, don’t underestimate the severity of the problem when it has been going on for weeks. Seek professional help from a mental health provider. If you think your child is actively suicidal and in danger of harming themselves, call your local mental health crisis support team or go to the local emergency room.

When your teen starts making comments like “everyone would be better off without me” or “you won’t have to worry about me much longer”, don’t underestimate the pain they are in.

For more information on suicide prevention in children, contact the Suicide

Prevention Lifeline at their website

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  or by calling 1-800-273-8255.

Overestimating

Another problem a lot of parents run into is overestimating a problem, they overreact to a situation. Maybe your child has a curfew but they came home a half hour late and the parents just explode. It is understandable to need rules, boundaries and some discipline but losing it and overreacting to a situation like this is going to come across as being an unreasonable parent. Before you overreact, see if there is a legitimate reason for why they were late. Did they have car trouble? Did they get delayed behind an accident? Did the basketball game go into overtime?

Grades are another common issue that parents overreact to. When grades go down, parents often get angry, they yell, and they punish the child. However, failing grades might be an indicator of another problem. Your child’s grades might fall because they can’t focus because of fighting and chaos in the home. Reacting to a drop in their grades with anger and punishments might be an overreaction because it is a symptom, not the problem behind it.

If you are expecting your children to do well, you need to do your part to create a home that is loving. If you want your kids to be happy and to be grateful for the family that they have, you need to raise them within a peaceful marriage. You are not raising your child in a vacuum, they see and hear what is going on around them. You need to do your part to fix a toxic relationship.

Take the initiative and fix your marriage. The time, effort and energy you put into improving your marriage will greatly benefit your children. The pandemic has caused a lot of strain in many people’s relationships. Even people who had good marriages before are struggling now. When a marriage is falling apart, kids suffer.

If you are getting mad at your children because their grades are not as good as they used to be or because they aren’t behaving properly, take time to look at yourself and your marriage. See what the home environment is like. Is there anything you can do to improve?

There are a number of free resources available here on the website. Stop under reacting and overreacting to problems. Get to the root of the problem because there is always an explanation for your kids’ behavior. [arabic] helps us in raising our children in the best way, in the way that is pleasing to Him. [Assalamu alaikum]