If you do these 3 C’s your marriage is in trouble!

Summary by Staff Writer

You may have always wished you had more quality time with your spouse, but it’s likely been difficult spending ALL of your time together since lockdown! Clients frequently seek my help when they recognize a problem in their relationship but cannot pinpoint the source. They say, “I don’t do anything wrong; it’s all him,” or “She’s the one who causes all the problems.” Well, It’s rarely that simple, but if you’re arguing or experiencing a lot of friction, these Three C’s of Chaos could be the source of the problem.

Control

The first “C” is for control. One spouse trying to control the other causes a build-up of resentment. If you are too controlling, your spouse is going to rebel. Whether you’re limiting their growth or you’re limiting where they go, or you’re limiting their spending, it is a fast track to trouble.

Sometimes it is the man who is controlling, maybe preventing his wife from pursuing an education or working. Sometimes it’s the woman who doesn’t want her husband to start a new business or for him to go out with his friends. This type of control causes a lot of this restriction which leads to resentment.

When you start trying to prevent your spouse from pursuing their dreams or doing what they love, it will create friction in your marriage when you start limiting the other person. We are all free individuals, and we rebel when we feel constrained. When you got married, both of you agreed to specific guidelines and behaviors but going beyond those guidelines and trying to be controlling causes problems in your relationship.

Criticism

The second C that you need to avoid is criticism. How many times have you caught yourself criticizing your spouse? You might be nagging them about not cleaning enough, or you are disapproving of how they are with the kids, or you feel they aren’t religious enough. Whatever it is, if you are constantly criticizing your spouse, it will weigh down on them. You need to catch yourself and stop being critical.

I’m not telling you to hold in your discontent. You don’t need to be a martyr and suffer all the time. Any of you that have come to me for counseling or have seen my Five Pillars of Marriage program know that keeping quiet is not part of my methodology. I always advise people to share their feelings, wants, and needs.

You’ll never be completely satisfied if your needs aren’t being fulfilled in your relationship. That is not how you will keep your marriage together. You don’t have to be submissive; you can speak up for yourself and express your needs so long as you don’t offend your spouse.

Comparing

The third C that you need to avoid is comparing. You may have seen someone do something or act in a way that impressed you and, with good intentions, you pointed out to your partner how great that person was. Instead of your spouse finding this comparison inspiring, they are likely to get annoyed.

Comparing your partner to another person is unlikely to inspire them or motivate them to change; instead, it is likely to provoke anger, frustration, and feelings of resentment. Telling your husband that he needs to become as financially successful as his brother may make him feel inadequate. Telling your wife that she should be more like her sister and always be in a good mood can make her feel even more depressed or angry.

If you’re thinking to yourself, “I already know this,” but you’re not putting it into practice, your knowledge is meaningless. You must either use what you know or risk having it count against you on the day of judgment.  Unless you’re actually applying it, it doesn’t matter if you’ve read about it before, heard about it in a course, or say you already know it. Reminders encourage you to take action.

Avoid these three Cs, don’t try to control your spouse, don’t criticize them, and don’t compare them to others. Doing any of these three can make your spouse feel insulted and defensive. They will become full of resentment and anger.

The entire world is going through a difficult time, and I hear stories every day of couples who are stressed out, fed up, and on the brink of divorce. The good news is that most marriages can be saved! It is not difficult to fix your marriage; all you need to do is learn some new skills, get some coaching, and understand how to express what you want and meet your needs in more appropriate ways.

Don’t get so frustrated that you don’t even want to deal with your spouse anymore. Don’t become so fed up with how things are that you start feeling like you can’t take it anymore. I don’t want you to just settle into being angry and resentful, and I don’t want you to overlook your needs either.

I have a lot of free resources to help you. Get your free PDF “7 Gems to Save Your Marriage“ or take our free course “Master Your Marriage.” I genuinely want to serve our community. I want to help you have a happy, fulfilling marriage.