Let me start by asking what do you do when you feel frustrated with someone? More importantly, what do you do when you are being frustrated with your spouse? Do you get mad, angry, yell, scream or get into a fight? Has it helped decrease your frustration levels? I have known of cases when getting frustrated turns into a physical fight.
Unfortunately, this frustration can lead couples to slander each other. Sometimes, they call up family members and create big problems. When people react without thinking through, it leads to problems that could have easily been avoided.
So, how to handle frustrations without reacting and making things worse?
I want you to try this:
List five positive things about your spouse: I know this is not easy, but I want you to think about five things that you appreciate about your spouse. You may not feel like doing this, especially when you’re angry and frustrated with your husband or wife. It’s easier to dwell in the past and think about all the things that went wrong between you and your spouse, even if it was a decade ago. It’s a human tendency to think this way. When we’re upset, we have a tendency to focus only on the bad things and forget about all the good qualities that our spouse has. We’ve actually been warned about this by the Prophet (Peace be upon him).
It is narrated by Abdullah ibn Abbas who said: Allah’s Apostle (peace be upon him) said, “I saw the hell-fire and I had never seen such a horrible sight. I saw that most of the inhabitants were women.” The people asked, “Oh Allah’s apostle! Why is it so?” The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “Because of their ungratefulness.” It was asked whether they are ungrateful to Allah. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “They are ungrateful to their companions of life (husbands) and ungrateful to good deeds. If you are benevolent to one of them throughout life and if she sees anything (undesirable) in you, she will say, ‘I never had any good from you.’ “
This is a deep warning given to us by the Prophet (peace be upon him) himself.
So step one is to ask yourself what is good about your spouse. It could be that they’re organized or they take good care of the kids. They may be a good provider or are religious and pray five times a day. It could be anything. I want you to challenge yourself to list at least five things that you like or admire about your spouse. When you reflect on those qualities, there is going to be a shift in your way of thinking. Instead of going down the road flooding yourself with negativity, you will start building yourself up. This will prevent you from boiling with anger and frustration towards your spouse.
Flood yourself with good memories about them and you will see your anger subside. Let go of past mistakes that could have happened decades ago, overcome your frustration in love. If you are struggling with letting go, check out free resources, videos and PDF’s on my website, www.halehbanani.com under the “Courses” category. In these resources, you will learn to help yourself with skills to resolve a conflict without fighting, ignoring, or landing in an argument every single time.
Test from Allah
Whenever you have an argument, remind yourself that this could be a test from Allah to see how you respond. You might be rude to your spouse or slander them because you feel justified, but always remember that you are actually under Allah’s examination. He (swt) wants to see how you react and respond, so always do so with dignity, honor and integrity.
Now, I want to put out a disclaimer and let you know that this does not apply to people staying in abusive relationships or those living with narcissists. In this article, I’m talking about general marriages which have a healthy dose of good and bad in them. In every relationship, you will get a little bit frustrated, upset and annoyed. Feeling frustrated in a relationship is normal. So, instead of reminding yourself of every bad thing that your spouse has ever done to you, I want you to remind yourself of anything good that they have done. This will change the trajectory of your relationship. You can really make your life and your marriage a source of peace and comfort. It doesn’t have to be painful.
Two to tango?
Now, some people will say that it takes two to tango. A lot of times, people stop making an effort because they think their spouse is not even invested in this. But, having worked with thousands of clients over the years, I can confidently say that when one person changes themselves, the other person will respond differently.
Imagine a chemical reaction where you change one substance. What happens? One is either combustible or the other one has no reaction. Right? So if you change your reaction when you’re angry or sad, you will see an instant change in your spouse’s reaction too.
Think about your spouse’s positive qualities and remember five good memories. Sometimes, just going down memory lane and thinking about the place you first met or looking at your wedding pictures will bring back great feelings. You will have a much different outlook on your relationship.
Lastly, remember that life is not easy. We’re all tested in different ways. And if you do your part by focusing on your examination and not only passing the test, but acing the test, you will see a remarkable change in your life inshaAllah.
Join us at Mindful Hearts Academy. Try it for 30 Days Risk-FREE!
For further guidance, you can find some free courses and content on how to enhance your marriage. Also, you can download a free PDF from the website to benefit from it, Insha’Allah.
May Allah bless you sister
Helping, seeing the positive, perseverence, emotionally responsive, intelligent
Can I private message you please
Thank you for being a great source of help and peace. I just learned this and I will teach this to my spouse as well. Allah bless you
I leave the room
Very true
Allahuakber
How May times a portion can make mistakes ??? How many times he / she should be forgiven?
All good points, but not easy ! Once ur heart is broke then done .
Actually a recent study showed that the anxiety you feel happens when your fear and when your excited. So when we get anxious we should tell ourselves we are excited
It’s beautiful, Subhanaallah, my mother always said same thing to make our life better, even before her death she advices me constantly how I have to deal with my spouse , to make the relationship better. Everyone please pray for my late mother, She returned last year to our beloved Allah SWT, where all of us have to return!!
Beautiful Subhanaallah,
My wife was never happy so I decided to stay happy and it worked. She divorced me. May Allah forgive her now am even happier
Yes it is true we have to be really patience and good to have a good relationship with our spouse.
Kahkashan Huda mashallah
Assamu’Aleikum Wahrematullahi Wabrakatuh. Subhanal’Allah, after long time am listening to your talk, it’s just what I need. Jazak’Allah Kheir. May your reward be abundance. AmeenThuma Ameen.
Zubeida Ottley Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah
Assamu’Aleikum Wahrematullahi Wabrakatuh. After a long time am listening to your talk. It’s the topic to listen to, just what I needed. May your reward be abundance. AmeenThuma Ameen
Thanks for this advice, I will work towards it
I just go quite
If we are nice to some people, they just bully us . This applies not only to spouses, but to parents also.
They do not appreciate that we try to tolerate , accommodate and try to ignore the selfish things they do. The only way to protect ourselves is to “not nice “
What you say only works if your spouse reciprocates. Some people just take advantage if we are nice to them and demand that we do more for them.
QAlllah vous recompense
جزاك الله خيرا
Thank you. Just in time
Good evening and happiness
I always learn from you Thank you
How i can private message u
EXACTLY… ITS TRUE BY BUILDING UP NEGATIVITY NOTHING HELPS… THINKING ABOUT THE GOOD DAYS COULD BE THE SURVIVAL
What if one person does that and nothing from the other person? What to do then?
Manshallah thank you
I don’t know where to start
My husband relation with one of our son is very difficult what can I do,they both r very bitter at each other,please help
Okey
Jazak Allah khairan
Erum Durrani
shukran auntie haleh banani
Just got to know about this and will definitely going to spread it inshallah
Jazakallah khair for such beautiful advice
I love this..its so powerful. Im really learning one spouse has to be water one has to be fire, if two are fire its catastrophic
Mariam Maryamti Thank you so much
MashaAllah this is very good skill
Sometimes it’s so difficult when your spouse is like directive in the argument and makes like your opinion don’t matter
MashAllah TabarakAllah very good tips
I always feel so inspired after watching your videos
Wow you always so on point whenever I go through things , your advice comes at such good time Masha Allah Tabarakallah shukr
Essam Eisa
love helping femilies stay together
psychology and counselling remmember me in your duas
i am not studying and taking a path just as you
Ameen
احسنتي يادكتور
me and my husband learnt a lot from you and use this method all the time, we have a special need child and you advices always keep us together
Slms. Not married but an educational counsellor…and I keep saying that the relationship between spouces and child is how the parents are with each other, regardless of the partners being together or not
Zaakirah Rawat
Remember me in special duas
Pls share
Loveu somush
could you please share bullet points from your speech?
Keep quiet
with this advice i helped save two beautiful homes
not one but two
Thanks
my friends home was saved
it always works
Thanks , I am learning
very practical advice
Love u so much
Aasiyah Abdu
I wish I would know you decade ago
Nima Rasheed Nabi Thank you so much