If you do these three C’s in your marriage, then your relationship is in trouble.
Many clients come to me and say, “I don’t do anything. It’s all him,” or, “She’s the one causing all the problems.” They don’t recognize that if they’re doing even one of these three C’s, they are creating a lot of damage in their relationship and may not even realize it.
I want to share how you can avoid these problems in your marriage.
Watch me explain the three C’s:
1. Control
The first C is control.
If you’re trying to control your spouse by limiting their growth, where they go, how they spend, or what they are allowed to pursue, it is going to cause your spouse to rebel.
Sometimes it is the man who is controlling. He may prevent his wife from pursuing an education or working. Sometimes it is the woman saying, “No, I don’t want you to start this business. I don’t want you to go there. I don’t want you to do these things.”
That kind of restriction leads to resentment.
When you prevent your spouse from going out with friends, pursuing a degree, or doing something they would really love to do, it can lead to a lot of resentment in the future. Be very careful about that.
We are all free individuals. Obviously, there are guidelines that you need to agree on when you get married. But once it becomes controlling and you start limiting the other person, it creates friction in your marriage.
2. Criticism
The second C you need to avoid is criticism.
How many times have you caught yourself criticizing your spouse? Maybe they are not clean enough. Maybe you don’t like how they are with the kids or what they do at home. Maybe you feel they are not religious enough.
If you are constantly criticizing your spouse, it is going to weigh them down. You need to catch yourself.
Now, I am not telling you to hold everything in, never share what you feel, and become a martyr. That has never been my methodology. Those of you who have taken my Five Pillars of Marriage program or worked with me know that I am all about expressing yourself. Share what your needs are. You need to feel content in your marriage, and you need to learn how to get your needs met.
If you keep overlooking everything while feeling annoyed and resentful, the marriage is not going to last. It is not about staying quiet, being submissive, or overlooking your needs. It is about how you express them.
Criticizing is not the way.
3. Comparing
The third C you really need to avoid is comparing.
Many times, you see someone who impresses you and point it out to your spouse. Maybe you have good intentions. Maybe you are trying to poke at them a little bit.
You may say, “مَا شَاءَ اللّٰهُ, that sister is always in a good mood. Isn’t that nice?” Instead of thinking, “I want to be in a good mood too,” your spouse gets annoyed. They may even start disliking the person you compared them to.
It does not motivate them to become better.
If you tell your husband, “مَا شَاءَ اللّٰهُ, that brother is doing so well financially,” he is probably not going to take it well. He will immediately feel inadequate. Comparing your wife to her sister or your husband to his brother does not inspire change. It creates resentment.
Knowing Is Not the Same as Applying
I have brought this up before because repetition is the mother of all skills.
If your mindset is, “I already know this. I have already heard this,” ask yourself one question: Are you applying it?
If you know something and you are not applying it, that knowledge is worthless. Too many people say, “I already know this. I already read about this. You already spoke about this.” But are you doing it in your life?
We remind one another so that we take positive action.
So, إِنْ شَاءَ اللّٰهُ, avoid these three C’s. Don’t control your spouse. Don’t criticize your spouse. Don’t compare your spouse to someone else.
When you do these things, your spouse becomes defensive. They feel insulted, inadequate, and resentful. If you find yourself doing even one of these three C’s, now you may recognize where some of the problems are coming from, and you can start changing it.
You Don’t Have to Keep Living This Way
I hear stories every day from people who are fed up and on the brink of divorce. I understand that frustration. I don’t want you to just take it. I don’t want you to settle, and I don’t want you to overlook your needs.
If there is abuse or serious betrayal in the marriage, that is a different situation and may require specialized help. But in many other cases, the problem is not as difficult to improve as it feels. It requires learning marriage skills, getting coaching, and understanding how to get your needs met in the appropriate way.
If your marriage is in trouble, start by looking honestly at these three C’s. Catch yourself when you control, criticize, or compare. As you change how you approach your spouse, your spouse will react to you differently.
Get Free Help for Your Marriage
I have free resources because I really want to serve our community and help you get the tools you need. Start with my free Master Your Marriage video series and PDF downloads.
Don’t compare
Don’t criticise
Don’t create fantasy person
Criticism
Assalamu alaikum
I love ur spirit
Jazaak Allah Al_Khair
May Allah continue to bless us
Shaaista Khan Nadia Osman Bilal Asmall
What if your spouse doesn’t say anything. But just observes critically that is what I feel but I never get to know because my spouse is relactant to discuss anything face to face.
Sister Hela I love you talks
Salaam
I just love listening to you. Much
I love your jacket so elegant!
Love it
I agree. But we do need to compare both ourselves and our marriage to what we are reminded about in our deen. We need standards, healthy models, something to work towards. I think the issue is that many just go through the rituals of Islam and neglect the heart. It all begins in the hearts and so many neglect their own. If your heart is unavailable to yourself it can no be available to anyone else.
Zaki AbAbdullah
Wsalaam
Not only in marriage but in other relations
Share how to deal when u face these Cs
Tell how to deal with this too
To be honest I dnt really care if they did there problem
N they always kept killing my self esteem
I get compared to my sis all the time. Funnily now it’s stop coz she did something that upset everyone so badly
Sheref Abdelmonem
May Allah protect and reward you
Heba Khalid Jazakillah Khair.
Sarah Iqbal
May Allah reward you I do forward your lecture on our page Gambia psychology student Association
Gandho Ibn Abubakar Jallow Thank you fir sharing the Khair. I’m glad it’s beneficial Alhamdulillah.
Suppose I don’t If the spouse is criticising , then what are we to do
Totally sgree
Ma Shaa Allah.. so much love nd dua for u. Jazak Allah for sharing
very inspiring
It is always a blessing listening to you
Kabeerah Ummu Salma Ojutalayo I really appreciate it. Thank you!
Jazakumllahu-kairah my sweet sis
Criticized many times but the result is zero so i decided to struggle for to live with it
Wonderful discussin Halee
Erum Ansar Alhamdulillah
Comparing leaves one alone
Hayırli aksamlar
Jessica Abdulkareem Mashaa’ Allah 4 weeks in a row you have sent us stars – we really appreciate the support
Mahira Mujeeb
You are awesome with your tips
Jazaki Allah Khair I’m glad you are benefiting
I love the name 3c’s
Appreciation n gratitude!
InshaAllah sister
HiHi Hi
It only takes one person to start making the attempt!
Assamu’Aleikum Wahrematullahi Wabrakatuh. From South Wales. UK. Nice to listen to another knowledgeable lecture. Love it.
Zubeida Ottley Wa aliakum assalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh! welcome and so happy you are benefiting Tabarak Allah… feedback like this is what keeps me going
My anniversary is coming up 34 years Alhamdulillah
Fatima Zahraah Abduraouf Masha’Allah Tabarak Allah. I pray you always grow closer together in love, friendship and support
Haleh Banani
Allaahummah Aameen
Jazaakillaahu khairan
I love your program
Alhamdulillah
I will inshaAllah
Nobody’s perfect
MashAllah
Walaikum Salam my friend!
I wish my spouse would agree to a session with you. Please make dua for him. It would be so good if he accepted to do a course.
Sister Raabia try the 5 pillars of marriage program it has transformed 100’s of marriages alhamdullilah start here insa’Allah https://courses.halehbanani.com/7-gems-to-save-marriages
Could you do it on your own?
The majority start alone
it’s rare when both are on the same page in the beginning
Haleh Banani that’s very reassuring to know because it gives a lot of hope knowing what others have done – jazakillah khair
you are both contributing to the problem…. when you start to make the necessary changes, no matter how small your contribution to the problem is, your spouse will begin to reflect it and get motivated to make a commitment to fixing your marriage
Haleh Banani That is amazing advice mashaAllah! Raabia Hawa you could go for it on your own and make your own intention strong. Do your best and Allah will take care of the rest xxx
Nadia Hawa Bartak Allah feeki
Jazaakumllahu khayrah ma’am
Avery good advice. May Allah reward you
Ameen! Jazaki Allah Khair
Criticizing
Mashaa Allah
Assalaam Aleikum
Ooh walaikum salam cuz!
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