Should you push your kids academically?
Summary by Staff writer
Most every parent would say you should push your children to achieve academically. The desire for them to do well comes from a good place. Your child’s education is important, it is their ticket to success in life. You really want to see them perform well and bring home that report card full of As. Sometimes, when there is so much emphasis on grades, this push for academic performance can be detrimental, especially if there are underlying circumstances.
There are children that are brilliant, smart and motivated. The type of children who make it their mission to excel. They do well and are self-motivated to bring home those As with hardly any encouragement. There are also children who struggle with school success. They might excel in one subject but aren’t as great at another; they are wonderful in literature but don’t do as well at math or science. These children may develop feelings of inferiority, inadequacy and frustration when you will only accept a report card full of As.
Underlying learning disabilities, like ADHD, may contribute to poor academic success. I remember years ago, during my master’s program, I was working as a pair with another student. I noticed that it took her three or four times longer than average to read a chapter. I suggested she have an evaluation and she did indeed have a learning disability. She had struggled for years and years, feeling like she was not smart enough, thinking there was something wrong with her only to find out that she had a learning disability.
Many children may also have undiagnosed ADHD. Yes, a lot of parents laugh off the idea of ADHD, especially when they see their kids playing video games for hours and hours. There is a lot behind the discussion of ADHD but just because your child can concentrate in certain situations and is generally well behaved that doesn’t rule out ADHD. If your child struggles with attention and concentration, yelling at them or punishing them for not getting As is not going to fix the situation.
As parents, it’s very important for us to be attuned to all of these going on that might affect our children’s ability to achieve in school. I understand that it is important and you want them to have a good future, to go to the best school, and to get the career that they want. Pushing for grades and not recognizing whether or not your child has the capability or capacity can be detrimental to your child’s self-esteem. It may not be a lack of motivation, there may be a learning disability or another reason they aren’t excelling in certain subjects.
Continuously pushing may cause more harm than good. You might end up doing a lot of damage control if your child goes through life feeling like they are not smart enough or not good enough. This can affect them for the rest of their lives. Parents need to look beyond the grade. Yes, good grades are important, I understand that but you may not realize the impact that too much pushing might have on a child who either doesn’t have the capability to perform or has something holding them back.
Could you walk into the gym today and lift 200 pounds? No? What if the trainer yelled at you? What if they punished you and said you couldn’t leave the gym until you lifted that weight? Would any of that change your ability to lift 200 pounds? That yelling and punishment doesn’t change your capability, you are not any more able to lift that weight then you were when you walked in the doors, you are just more stressed out. What if that trainer changed their approach? If they had you lift 20 pounds this week, 30 pounds next week and so on until you could lift that 200 pounds? Would you respond better to that coaching? Would you gain that capability?
You need to find your child’s level of capability and then encourage, teach and coach them to grow. If you aren’t capable of doing it with a smile, with tenderness and with a level of positive motivation then hire someone to help. Don’t damage your kids with pushing and demanding and destroying their self-esteem. I had a client who was an incredibly smart and accomplished young lady. She was a Stanford graduate with a great career, yet she was also depressed and suicidal. She had accomplished so much but she never felt like she had done enough. Her whole life she felt that she could never do enough to please her parents, they were never happy with what she had done. If the definition of success is getting into an Ivy League school, being the valedictorian and having a great job, the price isn’t worth it if your child is depressed and suicidal.
Parents must take care and instill the right values. You are not going to get the results you want by pushing, pushing and pushing. Most kids aren’t just being lazy, there is usually a reason behind them avoiding school work, something that is causing them to not perform well. Parents need to investigate this reason or you just might end up with bigger problems then a B on their report card.
Some children are motivated and have the capability to excel on their own. Some children may have some kind of learning disability or something else going on that interferes with their ability to concentrate. They may be so distracted that they can’t learn the lesson and, therefore, don’t do well on the test. Yelling and punishing them is not the answer and it won’t make them focus. If you truly care about your child’s success, stop pushing and start listening. Find out what is holding them back and what they are struggling with. Take some time to hear them out, don’t just write them off as being lazy or complainers. If they are coming home from school crying or they have lost all interest in school, there is something going on.
Yelling and screaming is not going to make things any better. Take the time to find out about your kids, about their potential, about their struggles. Don’t just expect a report card full of As. You can’t do everything great either. You might be a highly educated, smart person but can you solve a physics problem? Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses and talents; some people are creative and artistic, some people are visionaries. We all have our own unique, beautiful characteristics. We don’t all come from the same cookie cutter.
I understand your desire for your kids to be the best, we all want that for our kids, but build their success carefully. Do it with information and knowledge, with some understanding of human psychology. Learn how and when to encourage them because, if you are only focusing and pushing for those As, you are going to damage your kids. If you are putting too much pressure on them, you might cause problems with their self-esteem that can take years and years to overcome. I pray that Allah gives all of us parents the patience, wisdom and understanding to know how to bring out the best in our kids and not just expect every single one of them to perform the same because they are all unique, beautiful individuals and we need to nurture them in the right way.
Munira Ahmed, Farah Najam.
Ameen
Thanks so much. I have learned a lot from this. I have children who have attention problems but did not see it as learning disabilities.
I am blessed with a Mother who has always encouraged me to study what made me happy, Alhumdullilah I received a BA/BSc, MSc and now doing PhD…I failed high school Math twice, passed by one mark…but success by following what I enjoy to study, because my Mother believed I could do it
I push my children to play to their strengths. Allah bless each one of us with a gift.
Alahhhhh bless you sister,I guess we should take your amazing advises ,thank you very much
Hi
Hamed Bentaher
Fatima Rabee عبير ابوخريص
جزاكم الله كل الخير
Anum Sameer
Very well said it’s absolutely right
Really needed to hear this feel so bad
Ho
To gain admission into universities is competition even therefore need high grades….
If the child is capable with a IQ of 142… can u motivate for high grades
Jazakallah, I was really in need of this
Asslm
Lama KAltattan didn’t listen to this but I love her and will later
No
Love this!! I don’t think it’s said enough. My kids have always excelled at school but I have never once told them they need a certain grade. The only thing I require from them is that there are no missing assignments. I will not accept laziness but if they have done their work and tried thats all that matters.
Can’t agree more Dr. Hala.. over the years, I realized that there are things that inhibit motivation for our kids & could be easily mistaken for slacking off. Not to mention learning disabilities that children cannot express. Parents must observe & talk often with their kids & this s not possible without dedicating quality time for kids to talk about their personal life & likes or dislikes. It’s us parents who sometimes slack off doing our job.
Beautiful
Best message … much needed to b explained.jazak Allah
Every child is born with a gift by Allah SWT , some open them soon some later , sabr n motivation key to success ful up bringing .
Bint Mukhtar
Masha Allah
Thank you
Assalam o Alaikum
Online Quran Academy offers online courses
Quran pak /qaida classes with tajweed (rouls)
Flexible timing available.
30 min class per student.
20 min for Qaida/Quran and last 10 min for duas, Namaz,&diniyaat,(Islamic studies)
Easy to learn and Quran through Internet to all over the world,
contact watshp00923474273344
Plz forward to your friends & relatives۔
Qari.Shahbaz.Ahmad
JazakAllah o khairan kaseera sister
Asalamoaliakum wr wb
I couldn’t agree more.. Jazak Allahu khayran kaseerah sister.
Score criteria which i always give to my students,
A = amazing
B = bravo
C = clever
D = do it again
So, tht whatever score they get, it never push them and stressed alot. Coz, score is just a number, the proces is more important in learning.
Hugs Leen
Mohammed Ali
What if they only excel in games
That’s true ? You are awesome sister , Jazakallah khair . May Allah bless you
Mohamed A Abdimalik
Allahuma aameen
As Salamu Alaiykum
MashaAllah tabaarakallah sister
I love this topic
Thank you sister
Is it ok for a 6 years old to get alot emotional for things….is there can be a mother’s fault in making him emotional…..and if yes can u guide what a mother should do….if not her fault than how to handle that kid….???
You’re amazing
May God reward you with Jannah . I appreciate your videos a lot. May Allah increase your knowledge.
What about students who are very smart but extremely lazy? Should we leave them to their own? If they dont have good grades?
MashaAllah beautiful advices
Nagla SalemRehab AnwarJoula Kadry Taarit@ingy
Amira Sherif Own yup it sums up exactly what we were saying today
Haleh Banani – Asalam Wa3laykom dear sister.
Ma Shaa Allah – you cover such important topics that most parents can relate to – JazakAllahu kheirun . My question is how to motivate and take baby steps with teens (all boys) who have potential but aren’t always self motivated ?
Masha Allah sister
Yes please, children who are not motivated at all?? Even though you know and even the teachers point that out? How do you handle that situation?
Such a sweet and soft voice and an excellent message excellently put in a non judgemental way.. looking forward to further posts..
Jazakallah khayran sister
JazakAllah Khayran for talking about this Important topic ! May Allah grant you success in this life and hereafter.
Jazakillah I khairan katheera
How many mothers would accept that their children have a learning disability? Most pretend that their children are perfect.:
Very true. Which extremely sad.
Hss Hss …but they are perfect…a bit different…but perfect non the less
Hss Hss i believe when i was school and college i have learning disability
Yasser Zia
It’s hard when you try to help your kid and they don’t wanna do it and you know that they can.
How to motivate a child if he has great potential ?
Saadia Noor find ways to help them discover their potential? Find ways to give them a sense of achievement in small ways so they grow in confidence. A lot of praise and recognition for their baby steps. In The Mindful Hearts we have learnt that baby steps have great value. http://Www.themindfulhearts.com
I love your jackets
What if a child has great potential but is not self motivated?
I wouldnt put pressure on ever. Iv always told mine try your best and I’m happy with that. My eldest is amazing at writing but doesnt find maths very interesting and that’s ok by me. Pressuring them will not be good for their mental health.
Assalam o alaikum respected
Jazak Allah
Allahouma Amine
we need to be reminded this sound advice more frequently habibti