How to deal with disappointment

Summary written by Staff Writer

At some point, everybody faces disappointment. How you deal with that disappointment can either build you up or break you down. This past year has held a lot of disappointment for many people; loss of loved ones, challenges with stay at home orders and kids being home; marital stress, etc.

People can be disappointing. You can be disappointed by your parents, your children, your spouse, teachers, leaders, just about anybody because nobody is perfect. Most of us try our best, but we often fall short in one way or another. How you choose to deal with these disappointments will determine whether you are a survivor or if you are going to be stuck in a victim mentality.

It is critical that we recognize that there is a beautiful wisdom in what happens to us. I recently heard a phrase that really resonated with me in regards to how to deal with disappointments:

“Life is happening for us, not to us.” – Tony Robbins

When you feel like life is simply happening to you, it leads to feeling like you have no control. You lose a loved one or you lose your job and you feel hopeless or helpless. Instead, if you think about events in your life happening for you, then everything is being placed in your path for a reason. Do you have a tragic event in your past that turned around and was actually for the best?

Another phrase that has resonated with me is “turn your mess into your message”. Sometimes things happen in your life that leave you feeling defeated, like you have messed up, but take that and do something with it. Instead of feeling bad for yourself, make it into something powerful.

Don’t get stuck in a negative mindset when you feel that someone has disappointed you. If you feel betrayed, don’t write off people in general because of a few individuals. Don’t stop going to the [masjid] because you had a few negative experiences. Isolation is not healthy, a few bad incidents, disappointing experiences, or people that have betrayed you needs to be put into perspective; it doesn’t mean that everyone is like this, not everyone is going to disappoint you.

It can be difficult to come to terms with some behaviors you see in others. It can be disheartening to see people being dishonest, witnessing acts of hypocrisy, listening to people lying or slandering you. Remember, Allah sees everything that is happening. He knows what is in people’s heart; He hears what people are saying; He sees how people are behaving.

These hurtful individuals are being very short-sighted, Allah is keeping track of all they do and say. Everything is being recorded and there will be justice in the end. You don’t need to give your attention to what they are doing, leave justice in the hands of Allah. They are not getting away with doing horrible things; it is just temporary. Allah sees our hearts, He knows who is plotting and planning versus who is serving. He knows who is keeping their patience and acting in accordance with His will.

I know it can be difficult when you are in the midst of seeing someone getting away with doing horrible things, when you see them getting ahead doing unethical acts, but remember they are not acting with Islamic character. Allah is seeing everything, these short-sighted individuals are acting without integrity, without good character. The ends do not justify the means, people who get ahead by stepping on others or acting unethically will be judged.

[Arabic], we are judged in accordance with our intentions. Acting without sincerity is going to count against us. When dealing with disappointment and difficulties, be reassured that Allah is watching. There will be justice, you will be compensated for everything that you are going through right now and anyone who has done you wrong will have to answer for their behavior. Allah is the most powerful, he can get you through your difficulties.

Avoid getting stuck feeling that you have been wronged. Don’t isolate yourself and turn against people. Regardless of how many times you see people without integrity or ethics, remember there are always still gems in society. There are those who are truly good, people who have worked on their heart. Allah will put these gems in your path as well and they will remind you of the beauty of Islam and the beauty of humanity.

It is so important to remember that there are good people. When you start writing people off, when you start isolating yourself, and when you start feeling like everyone is bad, you can greatly impact your mental health. You can add to feelings of depression, anxiety and paranoia. Internalizing that narrative that everyone is awful and making that your reality will jade your existence.

Everyday, try to wake up with the mindset that you are living for Allah, that pleasing Him is your goal. The Prophet [arabic] went to the people of Taif with a good heart to give [da’wah], to pass the message. He was greatly disappointed because he was met with anger and aggression, they threw stones at him. Injured and bleeding, the Prophet prayed to Allah saying that “As long as you are not displeased with me, do not care what I face.” This is where your focus should be also. It is not about what people say, it’s not about how well you are accepted, as long as you are doing things according to Allah you have that integrity.

Many years ago, one of my psychology professors taught a message that every day is a new opportunity. If you remember this, each day you can wake up to a different day. You can start again each morning and decide to focus on what you have, not what you don’t have. Every day is a new opportunity to be better to yourself, to be compassionate with yourself. A new beginning when you can look at life and not feel stuck or frustrated. A chance to start again and recognize that life is happening for you, not to you. A new opportunity to seize the day and turn your mess into a message.

Don’t allow others to take the joy and beauty from your life. Sadly, there are people out there who are engrossed in negativity and they thrive on taking others down. These people are insecure and jealous and will try to suck you into that negativity. Keep moving forward, keep doing your [heya] and, eventually, Allah will show you that your work was worth it. Your patience and having that belief, that certainty, that [yakaeen], all that matter is what Allah thinks of you. No matter the disappointments, no matter what people say or do, keep your connection with Allah strong and realize that each day is a new beginning.

Prophet Muhammad’s supplication to Allah:

To You, my Lord,

I complain of my weakness,

lack of support and the humiliation I am made to receive.

Most Compassionate and Merciful!

You are the Lord of the weak,

and you are my Lord.

To whom do You leave me?

To a distant person who receives me with hostility?

Or to an enemy You have given power over me?

As long as you are not displeased with me,

I do not care what I face.

I would, however,

be much happier with Your mercy.

I seek refuge in the light of Your face by which all darkness is

dispelled and both this life and the life to come are put in

their right course against incurring your wrath or being the

subject of your anger.

To You I submit,

until I earn Your pleasure.

Everything is powerless without your support.