There are three things that you should never say to a narcissist. One of the most common complaints that I get is related to dealing with narcissists. It could be your spouse, child, parent, coworker, or anyone. How do we deal with them?

First, let us define a person with a narcissistic personality. It’s someone who has an inflated sense of self-worth. They present themselves as being extremely confident, but their self-esteem is actually very sensitive to any form of criticism. They constantly seek attention and praise. 

There are two things that set a narcissist apart.

1. They’re very manipulative. They seek empathy and use others for their own gain in order to achieve their goal.
2. They seek attention : These individuals constantly seek validation. They yearn for things that will boost their ego. 

If you end up criticizing a narcissist in any way, they will explode. People who deal with a narcissist always feel like they are on a minefield where the bomb will just detonate any minute. Any word or reaction can trigger them the wrong way. A relationship with a narcissist is like walking on eggshells. It is this fear that actually leads a lot of people to just comply and go along with what a narcissist wants. What happens here is that the person actually ends up feeding the narcissist. 

However, you don’t have to let them dominate you because of their toxic character. Here are three ways to deal with a narcissist without rubbing them the wrong way. I would like to add a disclaimer here. These techniques and strategies are not aimed at people who are staying in an abusive relationship where the spouse is physically, emotionally or psychologically abusive. These techniques are for people who are dealing with narcissists but are not facing abuse of any form. It is for people who tend to make things difficult for you but are individuals whom you can’t entirely cut off, like your parents or siblings or co-worker, etc.

So, here are three things to not say to a narcissist:  

1- Don’t directly criticize them:

Don’t say, “I wouldn’t do it that way”. Because they have very low self-esteem, narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism. As soon as you say anything remotely critical, they will attack you. So instead of saying, “I wouldn’t do it this way”, you could say, “Let’s work together and come up with a solution.” 

You have to be more diplomatic. You have to realize how to approach the person in a way where you express yourself and get your point across, without rubbing them off in the wrong direction. 

Confrontation will not get you anywhere because narcissistic people are extremely experienced in arguing and belittling you. They are known to call names and be very destructive in their behavior and personalities. It’s, therefore, better not to go there with them because they’re much more experienced than you. It is better to be kind and bring them up to a level where you can deal with them in a logical and reasonable manner.

2- Be diplomatic but firm:

When you know they are wrong, don’t say that they are wrong, because that would just lead to an explosion. You could instead say, “I hear you, but I see it a little differently.” This still makes you authentic and true to yourself, but at the same time, you are getting your point across and not just being submissive. 

When you say, “I hear you”, you are letting them know that they are being heard. They will feel understood. When you then follow it up by saying you see it a little differently, that’s a lot softer than just outrightly saying that they are wrong. 

3- Don’t ever say this:

The third thing that you should never say to a narcissistic person is, “What’s the matter with you?” I know that their unreasonable behavior will really tempt you to say this but these are individuals with extremely low self-esteem and fragile egos. When you say something like, “What’s wrong with you”, they will feel attacked. They will immediately become defensive. It’s much better to say, “It seems like you are a little bit upset. Do you want to talk about it?” When you ask them what is wrong with them, they will become very reactionary. That is exactly what you don’t want to be dealing with.

Narcissists are very sensitive to any form of criticism, so think through about what you’re going to say and recognize that they are easily set off. It’s much better to deal with them on a respectful, mature level rather than stooping down and attacking them because they are going to overtake you.

I pray that we’re all given the emotional tools to manage ourselves and learn how to deal with a narcissist. If you’d like to learn more about emotional intelligence and know-how to be diplomatic and control your own reactions, without overreacting or having a meltdown with tantrums or manipulation.

You can join the Mindful Hearts Academy where I teach you step-by-step techniques to develop emotional intelligence.

For further guidance, you can find some free courses and content on how to enhance your marriage. Also, you can download a free PDF from the website to benefit from it, Insha’Allah.