Do you feel like you’re not in love with your spouse anymore? Does it mean that your marriage is over? Can you do anything about it? Read on to find out.

Marriage is a very rewarding but complicated relationship. During the initial stages of your married life, you might have been incomplete love and awe of your spouse, but there are times when love towards your spouse dips. There are highs and there are lows to every relationship. But what if you have reached a stage where you feel like you don’t really love your spouse anymore? A lot of times when this happens, couples begin to panic. They wonder if their marriage is actually over. What I want you to understand is that there are stages to love. There is the in-love stage and the mature-love stage, 

In-love stage:

In the “in-love” stage, you get goosebumps and butterflies in your stomach when you think about your spouse. You can’t wait to see each other. You can’t wait to spend time together. Every minute feels blissful and blessed. It’s a beautiful experience. It’s wonderful because the oxytocin is flowing, the endorphins are being pumped and you’re genuinely happy about the whole thing. 

The mature-love stage:

The “in-love” stage then transforms into a more powerful form where you have a deep love for your spouse but it doesn’t necessarily translate into butterflies and excitement. I have interviewed thousands of people of different age groups, with couples who have been married for 20, 30, 40 or even 50 years and all of them have confirmed that this is something natural. To not be madly in love but still stay together is natural. 

But when a couple starts panicking that have they fallen out of love, realize that you have reached a very critical stage in your marriage. Unfortunately, some people start looking for that feeling of love and excitement outside of marriage. And this is how infidelity happens. 

Infidelity:

When the person doesn’t feel love in marriage and ends up getting a small compliment or extra attention from someone who is a non-mahram, they suddenly feel valued and appreciated. Shaitan makes them believe that this person is the one for them. They start having feelings, which they shouldn’t have entertained in the first place.

Waiting for the other to take the first step:

During the initial stages of marriage, everything seems lovey-dovey so there’s a lot more connection between the husband and wife. Therefore, the wife might feel that her husband is more caring and affectionate. But, with the passage of time, this love transforms into something more mature and deeper. Some people, however, are still waiting for butterflies. They want that excitement but wait for their spouse to take the first step. They fail to take action and keep waiting for their spouse to shower them with love. It is at this stage that you need to take proactive steps and convert them into action so that love continues to flow between your hearts.

What you should be doing:

This is when you have to start doing things that you were doing at the beginning of your relationship. This will change the way you start relating to one another and you will feel a much deeper connection like before. Generally, what happens is after a few years of marriage, people put their relationship on auto-pilot mode and wait for the other person to take the first step forward. This leads to a lot of negativity and resentment. This takes a heavy toll on the relationship. The couple then get into this negative sentiment override. They start viewing their spouse in a very negative light. They start putting labels and become judgmental. They fail to see all the good things their spouse is doing but are quick to judge them for their mistakes or shortcomings.

What you focus is what you get:

What your mind focuses on is what you will tend to observe more often. If you are spending your time and energy looking for flaws and shortcomings in your marriage, that is what you will tend to see. If you consciously try to look at the positives, you will automatically realize how blessed you are. 

It is important to realize that the honeymoon phase will fade away but the love and respect in your heart for each other should be permanent if you allow it to thrive. 

So, when you feel like you are not in love anymore, realize that you can always fall back in love with your spouse. You can change your negative sentiment override into a positive sentiment override. Start focusing on what is good about your spouse. 

How are they contributing to your well-being?  What is it that you love about them? What made you marry them?

Yes, you will get annoyed with your spouse. You will get frustrated. You may not see eye-to-eye on everything but it is all about navigating your differences and respecting each other‘s opinions. It’s about knowing that you’re still on the same team at the end of the day. You are not rivals.

It has especially been hard during this pandemic with lockdowns everywhere. You have been with your spouse 24/7, and it can get exhausting sometimes. Generally, when your spouse goes out to work or when you have some time apart during the day, it is easier to bond and get closer to each other when you see each other after a day’s work at the office. This lockdown has made us spend time with our spouses day in and day out. This has understandably led to a lot of frustration amongst couples. However, when you try to focus on the positives, the negativities don’t look so important

When you consciously decide to look for something positive, your spouse will most likely reciprocate. Yes, it is normal to have expectations from people around us but when you take the step forward, you will see beautiful results in your married life. 

As always, I would like to put a disclaimer that this does not apply to people in toxic relationships or those living with abusive, narcissistic partners. Under such situations, your mental health and well-being are more important than anything else.

Focus on pleasing Allah:

Therefore, just because you’re not having butterflies in your stomach, don’t assume that your relationship is over. You can create these emotions by having a positive sentiment override. And when you do this in order to seek the pleasure of your Lord, you will see blessings and happiness overflowing in your life because Allah gives without measure to His slaves who try to please Him.  So get over your ego and focus on your ultimate goal – that is to please Allah and enter paradise.

My “Five pillars of marriage” program teaches you step-by-step on how to deal with all these challenges and more. I have a free PDF titled “Seven gems to save your marriage” on my website as well. Have a look at it and get started.  I pray that Allah showers His mercy on all of us and helps us to see the best in one another.

For further guidance, you can find some free courses and content on how to enhance your marriage. Also, you can download a free PDF from the website to benefit from it, Insha’Allah.