Summary by Staff Writer
Even within the Muslim community, you may be surprised how many marriages are affected by cheating. On a daily basis, I have practicing Muslim clients come into my practice because they have caught their spouse cheating. Men cheat, women cheat, it happens all the time. Over the past twenty years I’ve seen it a thousand times. It is one of the most common reasons that people come for marriage counseling.
There are a number of signs to look for if you suspect that your spouse is cheating. If you see any one of these signs there might be a reason completely unrelated to cheating. However, if you see several of these signs, it might be a good indication that there is something going on. Look at the full picture and consider the whole list. See if there are several things that match up before becoming suspicious.
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Secretive Behavior
If your spouse starts to become very secretive with their phone or with their devices, they may be trying to hide an affair. Maybe they never part with their phone, even taking it into the bathroom. Maybe they always turn the ringer down or turn the screen off if you approach. Look for behavior that seems to be excessively secretive. Why be secretive unless they’re hiding something?
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Sudden Change in Appearance
When someone is cheating, they often become more motivated about how they look. They may start going to the gym more often, change their diet to lose weight or start buying a lot of new clothes. Again, look for other signs of cheating too. Wanting to get more exercise or look better might not be related to cheating if it’s the only thing you see.
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Hostility
If you had been getting along just fine but are now, suddenly, seeing a lot of hostility from your spouse it might be another sign. Many people don’t want to feel like they are the bad guy so they try to justify cheating by creating “reasons” for their indiscretions. They put the blame onto their partner and claim that the spouse is not being affectionate or they aren’t giving any attention. If you find a lot of sudden hostility and nitpicking, if nothing you do is ever good enough anymore, it might be a sign there is cheating.
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Schedule Changes
Has your spouse started working really late or taking business trips they never took before? Did they used to leave work at 5:00 or 6:00 and now they aren’t home until 11:00? While on occasion there might be an extra project but, especially with other signs, your spouse might be spending that time with somebody else.
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Unexplained Expenses
A drastic drop in your bank balance or excessive cash withdrawals might be a sign that something is going on, especially if your spouse has no logical explanation when you confront them.
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Defensiveness
If you approach your spouse about suspicious behavior and they become very defensive, they might be covering their extra-marital activities. Look out for reactions like “What, you think I’m cheating?” and “I’m not doing anything!”
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Gaslighting
Instead of getting defensive, if you have brought up unusual behavior, your spouse might try to deflect everything back on you. They might try to make you feel like you’re in the wrong. That you are being suspicious or you’re acting crazy. They are trying to put everything on you to make you question what you’re thinking instead of looking at what they are doing.
The point of this list is not to create suspicion. Oftentimes, the spouse is the last to know and it’s because they, sometimes, blindly follow or believe their spouse. They never guessed that their spouse would have cheated. The list is so you can keep your eyes open.
Also, some clients have a strong feeling, an intuition, that something is off. Where they had a close relationship in the past, now their spouse is secretive and irritable. I advise, in this type of situation, that you take precautions. If you feel that there is something going on I would recommend seeking out professional help.
I’ve brought up this topic out of concern because so many people that I work with are experiencing this on a daily basis. I want you to be very cautious about jumping to conclusions based on one of these things, but, if you see that many of the signs are there, then there may be an issue.
There have been a lot of changes in the wake of the pandemic. It might be the time for you to reflect on what is happening in your marriage. Maybe you’ve drifted apart with all the extra responsibilities. Maybe you’ve been spending a lot of time together and now you’re getting sick of each other. Maybe things have become very mundane or monotonous and you’re bored.
If you want to analyze your relationship and see where you could build more emotional and physical connections, I have a number of free resources available. Check out the free video series Save Your Marriage under the courses tab or download the 7 Gems to Save Your Marriage PDF.
Start Saving Your Marriage Today,
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https://halehbanani.com/7gems
I’m so disappointed Muslim women cheat
MY allah protect us
We woman can’t do any thing
Gut
Fut feelings never go wrong
Sister love your advice..
yes my husband is cheating me and I knew that something is suspicious and wrong. I had inner voice that something is wrong. I m living in very abusive environment since 17 years. I prayed “Allah I know something is wrong “please open that secret and one day he was very abused and told me that he is still in contact with his 1st and 2nd X wives. 🥲🥲
salam sister,I need help .I am dragging myself I want to leave happy please guide meI am already in private group with you
Barak Allah fik
Salaam – Am I being naive? As I never think like this about my spouse – he is on his phone a lot but I don’t ever think it’s with another woman! Plus he leaves his phone anywhere- at times even forgets his phone at home
If he leaves his phone anywhere, he is not cheating. Not all men cheat. Many are loyal and fear Allah swt, Mashallah
Why is the spouse the last one to know ??
Sana Jung because you may overlook all the signs out of love, love can be blind. I can sure attest to all these and I was the last to know
How do we cope up with this ?
What if it’s just a gut feeling
Than still with your gut feeling and keep your eyes open in sha Allah
احبك فى الله اختى
Too much time spending is boring so I guess thinking cheating is Heart break stuff
No.7 plz?
Madam Awesome
6.extra defensive
5.unexpected unusual expenses
4.change his schedule
3. Hostility towards you
2.change in appearance to the better cuz entering new affair make them motivated
1.secreative with their phone
What to do…when u have proofs of infidelity…
You run
Hadiya Merfin use it against him take legal action
It’s the worst feeling in the world
How to cope and is the marriage over
Save your marriages – courses
I wish i had seen this before. How can we forgive a cheaters betrayal after a long marriage and kids??
I don’t think I can forgive cheaters or betrayal
Sana A Sattar it juz a matter of time and try and be a thoughtful person.
Don’t be too worried.
I pray may Allah make our eyes clear where we did not see by giving us our missing ribs Insha Allahu.
I have dsam experience too
You are right. Sometimes the red flags are shown but the wife overlook it and the matter get worsen
Haleha I love your teach