One of the biggest complaints that I get from husbands and wives is that their spouse feels emotionally distant. They don’t “get” each other. They don’t have high emotional intelligence. 

So, what is emotional intelligence? 

Emotional intelligence is the ability to read others’ minds. It is the awareness that you have about yourself and your spouse to be able to regulate your emotions and connect with your spouse.

So, how do you know whether your spouse has high emotional intelligence or low emotional intelligence? 

I’m going to share with you five of the most common characteristics of a person with low emotional intelligence.

1. The first sign of a person with low emotional intelligence is that they can’t take constructive criticism. If you have a complaint and something is bothering you, you bring it up but they just become very defensive. They turn it around on you and don’t want to hear anything that you have to say.

2. They never admit that they are wrong. It’s always about putting the blame on someone else. They don’t take ownership of their faults. They don’t have that sense of personal responsibility to say, “Yes, I was wrong here.” If you find someone who is not able to take responsibility, it could be that they have a low emotional intelligence. 
3. They are unable to express their emotions. You find that they are bottling everything up and they either suppress it or they explode. The emotionally unavailable spouse doesn’t have a methodology of sharing his feelings or telling you what’s going on. It’s either an explosion or just sweeping it under the rug. 

4. The fourth sign of emotional unavailability is that the person struggles with their emotions. They have a lot of outbursts. They don’t have their emotions under control.

5. The fifth sign is that they blame others and bully. They use ways of manipulating people that they are dealing with in order to gain control of the situation.

Now, if you have an emotionally unavailable partner like this, it can get very difficult.  It’s challenging to deal with a person who thinks they’re never wrong and refuses to take responsibility. When you’re constantly trying to connect and resolve and yet, it’s never reciprocated, it can lead to a lot of friction and heartbreaks in your marriage. 

So how do you deal with this?

First and foremost, I want to share with you an analogy that will really help make you understand this because there are some individuals who are very much in tune with other people’s emotions. They have very high emotional intelligence.  They’re sensitive and intuitive. Now, these individuals areas if they have night goggles on. When someone has night goggles, they’re going to be able to see things. People with low emotional intelligence don’t have these night goggles on, so they can’t really see what the other person is going through. 

The reason I explain it in this way is because we need to be understanding, have compassion, and be non-judgmental from both sides.

So, the person with low emotional intelligence needs to realize that they’re not wearing those goggles, so if the other person is seeing something, they must acknowledge it. They must recognize that others are seeing things that they’re not seeing. 

Now, the one with the night goggles on will obviously have a more clear understanding of people and their emotions. If you don’t have that vision, you’re going to be bumping into each other. You’re going to be stepping on each other’s toes. It’ll get very frustrating.  When you feel like your spouse can never take responsibility and you can’t resolve a conflict, you’re going to end up feeling very bitter.

So how do we deal with people who don’t have these night glasses on, on a daily basis?

I’m going to share with you seven steps. 

1. Organize your thoughts before addressing it because people with low emotional intelligence will be extremely defensive. You have to word it in a way that won’t seem like an attack. So you have to think it through. 

2. Don’t shy away from unpleasant discussions. You can’t shy away from it because if you shy away, because you’re afraid that someone’s going to bully you or someone is going to basically turn the table on you, you’re in a way enabling that behavior and that’s going to lead to more resentment and more animosity. So, make sure that you do not avoid those difficult discussions.

3. Create a safe space to have a discussion and set an example. How do you create safety in a relationship? It is about not making the person feel judged. Don’t belittle, don’t explode or ridicule the person.  So, when you create a safe environment and set an example by being respectful, by listening and showing compassion, and admitting your own flaws by keeping your voice low and respectful without exploding, the entire situation can turn in your favor.

4. The fourth step is to pick the right time to discuss your issues. Timing is everything. It’s all about conflict resolution. The first step in conflict resolution is to find the right timing. If your spouse is tired, hungry, frustrated, grieving or has a deadline and you want to discuss something that is very urgent for you, they’re not going to be responsive. They’re not going to be able to open up and listen. So, make sure that you pick the right time. 

5. The fifth is to be patient. Being patient doesn’t mean that you just overlook one abuse after another. Being patient does not mean that you do not speak up. Being patient does not mean that you’re submissive and you just go along with everything. Being patient and persistent is to get your point across with hikmah, with wisdom, with kindness and compassion. This is very critical.

6. Follow patience and persistence with reinforcement. Let your spouse know that you’re on the same team. You’re not rivals on opposing teams. When you realize this, you will be able to connect and value one another.

7. The last thing is to explore the root cause. If your partner is emotionally unavailable, find out what is the underlying issue. With 40 years of research on marriage, they have found out that the majority of people who fight on a daily basis fight about absolutely nothing. Nothing. It’s something trivial. They mainly don’t even remember what they even fought about. When you don’t remember what you’re fighting about, it means you didn’t have the skills to resolve it and you allowed it to just bubble up and get out of control. In such cases, when even the most trivial things lead to arguments and fights, you must realize that there’s an underlying issue. Usually, it’s a person feeling that they’re neglected , disrespected or unimportant. When you find the underlying reason, you can address it so much better rather than arguing with each other. 

So if you’re dealing with a person who doesn’t get you emotionally, you feel like they’re just emotionally unavailable, try these seven tips and see how your relationship evolves.

I have some free material video series that I’d love to invite you to. Check out the “Courses” tab on www.halehbanani.com. You can also avail of the free PDF “Seven steps to save your marriage” and also “Master your marriage” series.

For further guidance, you can find some free courses and content on how to enhance your marriage. Also, you can download a free PDF from the website to benefit from it, Insha’Allah. 

What will be your first step to deal with your emotionally unavailable spouse? I will be eager to know.

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