Change this one word and your whole view of marriage will change inshaAllah!

Summary by Staff Writer

Words are powerful and changing just one word that you use to describe your marriage can completely change how you view your marriage. The words and the metaphors that we use have a profound impact on us. Often, we don’t realize how much impact the words we use have on how we feel about an experience; using different words can change your perspective. For example, if you say “I’m starving” you are going to devour your food but, if you say “I’m a little hungry”, you will just nibble a bit.

What you’re saying, the words you use to share your experience have an impact on you. Let’s look at the impact that changing just one word can have on your marriage. Marriage is frequently referred to as a test and I’m not denying that it is sometimes. We know that Allah has created death and life as a way to test us, I’m not denying that it is a test.

What feelings do you associate with a test? If you think back to the times you took a test in school, did you feel anxious about how well you would do? Were you tense and worried? Did you feel pressured to do well? When you use the word “test” to describe your marriage, you might be associating all those feelings of tension, anxiety, worry and pressure with your relationship to your spouse.

What if you changed that word “test” to “gift”? What associations would you have then? How do you feel when you see that beautifully packaged gift from your favorite store? You probably feel joy, excitement and anticipation. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have those feelings associated with your marriage instead of tension and worry?

Sure, many of you are thinking “My marriage is not much of a gift, my spouse is so annoying” or “My husband is nothing like I want”. Okay, maybe your gift came wrapped in a plain cardboard box instead of pretty paper and a huge bow, but what is inside is still precious. You may be struggling in your marriage because of differences. Many times we have personality differences, different likes and needs, or different temperaments than our spouse. It’s natural to get on each other’s nerves sometimes, especially after spending almost a year together, day in and day out.

Telling yourself that the difficulties you are having are a test will bring back those feelings of tension and anxiety. I want you to start looking at it as a gift instead. Ultimately, Allah has chosen this person and this marriage for you. There is [hicma] in it. Sometimes the most difficult people in our lives teach us the most valuable lessons. Think about some of the hardest experiences you’ve had in your life, some of the most challenging ones. What lessons did you derive from them?

You probably learned a lot from a difficult relationship. The person who broke your heart, the person who betrayed you, the person who let you down….those are the people that have lessons for you. Allah has given you that gift, he’s helped you lift the veil and see clearly. A relationship that didn’t go well gave you new insight, a new way of looking at things. If you start looking at your marriage like a gift, you realize that Allah is putting you through this for a reason. There is something you can extrapolate from His gift. A quick disclaimer, I’m not telling you to stay in an abusive relationship. I’m not saying you should tolerate abuse.

I recently asked a client what she felt needed to happen for her to be happy and she responded with comments like “My spouse needs to treat me well” and “He needs to say this, he needs to do that”. No, no, no. Don’t rely on someone else, don’t put everything on your spouse. You need to find the lesson, to take responsibility for your happiness. You need to look at your marriage as a gift from Allah and see what He has given you in this relationship.

Your marriage might not feel like what you asked for, it might not be anything like what you thought you were signing up for. There are people who can be very difficult, people who drive you to tears; you may need to be really creative to find the actual gift. Maybe years from now you will look back and see the wisdom, even if the relationship didn’t last.

I’m sure the analogy that marriage is a test is very familiar, I’ve used it many times too, but I want to challenge you to start saying to yourself that your marriage is a gift. I guarantee you’re going to have a totally different view on your marriage. Maybe the packaging is horrible, maybe it is not exactly what you asked for, but unwrap your gift and search until you find the treasure inside.

Allah has sent you this gift. You should have full trust, you have to have [arabic], that certainty that He has not sent you this gift in vain. There is something that you need to learn from this relationship. When you look at your marriage as a gift, everything will change. I pray that Allah showers you with the patience and ability to see your marriage, as difficult as it may be, as a gift.

I have some free resources here on the website. Get your free copy of “Seven Gems to Save Your Marriage” here [LINK] or see some of the other beneficial courses we have available. Transform your marriage by joining our 5 Pillars of Marriage course or have some fun while you learn how to have the marriage of your dreams with our new Laugh & Learn course with guest comedian Baba Ali. [LINKS]