What to do when your spouse is crying depends on what your spouse needs—not what you would want in the same situation.
I have had the privilege of working with thousands of people across the globe, and this difference comes up quite a bit. Generally speaking, many men want privacy when they cry, while many women want comfort and closeness.
But there are always exceptions.
That is why the most important thing you can do is ask your spouse instead of assuming.
When Your Wife Is Crying
As a general rule, I tell husbands: do not leave your wife alone while she is crying unless she has told you that she wants space.
Most men who walk away are not trying to be insensitive. They are thinking, “If I were upset, I would want to be left alone.” They believe they are giving their wife the same privacy they would want.
But she may experience it very differently.
When you walk away while she is crying, she may interpret it as:
- You do not care.
- You are not concerned.
- You do not want to deal with her feelings.
- She is alone when she needs you most.
You do not have to solve everything. Sit beside her. Hold her if she wants to be held. Ask, “What can I do?” Sometimes your presence is what makes her feel loved and supported.
When Your Husband Is Crying
Your husband may need something completely different.
Many of the men I have worked with want privacy when they are crying. They do not want to talk immediately, explain what happened, or have someone trying to comfort them.
If your husband asks for space, respect that.
Do not keep knocking on the door and asking, “What’s wrong? What happened? Why won’t you talk to me?” You may be coming from a loving place, but insisting on closeness when he needs privacy can make him feel pressured.
“I’m here whenever you’re ready. Would you like me to stay with you, or would you prefer some space?”
That communicates love without forcing him to respond before he is ready.
The Golden Rule Does Not Work the Same Way in Marriage
We are taught to do unto others what we would want done to us. But in marriage, that can easily create misunderstandings.
You and your spouse are two different people. You may have different needs, perspectives, personalities, family backgrounds, and ways of handling emotions.
What comforts you could overwhelm your spouse. What gives you peace could make your spouse feel abandoned.
So instead of doing for your spouse what you would want, do for your spouse what they need. That is a very important marriage skill—and one of the simplest ways to create more connection with your spouse.
Ask—Do Not Assume
Do not wait until your spouse is already overwhelmed to learn what they need. Have the conversation when you are both calm.
Ask:
- “When you are crying, do you want me close to you?”
- “Would you rather be hugged, listened to, or given space?”
- “What makes you feel supported?”
- “Is there anything I do that makes the situation harder?”
You may think you already know the answer. Ask anyway.
Even though I have seen certain patterns with the couples I have worked with, your spouse is an individual. The goal is not to follow a rule about men or women blindly. The goal is to understand the person you married.
One Small Shift Can Change the Relationship
I have seen the difference this makes with couples.
When a husband begins sitting with his wife, comforting her, and showing concern, it changes how she perceives him. She begins to feel that he is present and attentive.
When a wife gives her husband the space he has asked for and lets him know she is available when he is ready, it builds respect and trust.
Be there for your spouse in the way they need—not simply in the way you would need. That small shift can help you show love in a way your spouse can actually receive. It can also make it easier to repair the connection after a disagreement.
Learn the Skills That Strengthen a Marriage
Many couples are not missing love. They are missing the skills that help them communicate, understand each other, and respond appropriately during emotional moments.
If you would like more help, begin with my free marriage resources. They are designed to give you practical tools you can start applying in your relationship.
May Allah shower your marriage with love, mercy, and sakinah.
Assalamu alaikum.
Aoawrwb!!
Jazakallahi khearan kasera for tips Allahumma aamean
Masha’Allah you look so beautiful
I want to be alone
Left alone female
I think being able to comfort a spouse (or anyone) who is hurting is something that should be taught from childhood. Teaching children that people feel hurt, angry, or sad at various times in their life, and that giving comfort, even if it’s just a pat on the back, encouraging words, or a hug, or even offering to be there in case something is needed (when the person wants to be left alone) can do wonders. Males especially need to be taught this, it doesn’t make them any less manly, and most of the time a lot of husbands fail in this department, which is sad, really, because spouses are supposed to run to each other in times of trouble. Females too must learn than males hurt too, and should provide the same.
Jahara Abellera Solaiman You’re right! This needs to be taught. I was just sharing with my 21 year old son how crucial it is to know how to comfort his wife when she is sad or crying. It makes a big difference.
I’m female and I usually like to be left alone.
Ansa Rukin Din You’re definitely the exception! Almost all women I’ve done counseling with want to be comforted.
Haleh Banani there’s always one trust it to be me lol
Masha Allah amazing video, this is the kind of stuff everyone needs to know. Jazakallah khair
Ansa Rukin Din Thank you sweetie! Alhamdulillah it was beneficial.
Hello haleh how are you feeling today u well put my trust to my faithful to god spirit and all my ups and downs.
What to do when your spouse makes you cry?
Maryam Apat That happens sometimes. May Allah comfort your heart.
Haleh Banani Ameen Sis. Thank you.. always Love to watch your live
Maryam Apat you’re so welcome. I’m glad you benefit from them.
Maryam Apat cry in prayer where your tears matter. Afterwards communicate with the spouse about their behavior and how that shouldn’t happen again.
Slms from south Africa
I’d like to be understood and comforted.
Hugs only. No talking. Lol
You give him/ her tissue paper and then listen to them
U are so beautiful
Comfort her and encourage her to put her trust in Allah swt
Give the space
I can’t cry unless I am alone. I am not shy or anything. I just can’t
You r v Nice
Left alone
I want someone to comfort me.
Assalam o alikum tahira from Pakistan
Hug is all I need
As-salam alaykum dear Haleh