What to do when your spouse is crying

Summary by Staff writer

Generally speaking, what to do when your spouse is crying changes depending on whether your spouse is male or female. I’ve had the privilege of working with thousands of people across the globe, and while there are always exceptions, men and women have starkly different needs when they are crying.

The majority of the men I’ve talked to say that they prefer to be alone when they are crying. They want solitude and privacy. They don’t want to talk to anyone and they don’t want to be comforted at that time. On the other hand, most women don’t want to be alone when they are crying. They want to have somebody with them to provide comfort and support.

I always tell men, never ever leave a woman who is crying alone. Leaving her alone creates a lot of resentment and hurt, she’ll feel that you aren’t showing any kind of concern for her. When she is crying and you walk out, it will feel like you don’t care, you aren’t sensitive and you’re not attentive. Try your best to just be there for them. Sit next to them, give them a hug, tell them it’s okay, or do whatever else your wife finds supportive.

Most men don’t intend to make their wife feel abandoned by leaving them alone to cry, they are basing their actions on what they would want. It’s critical to realize that the Golden Rule does not apply to marriage. You’re two very different people with different genders, different mentalities and different upbringings. Your needs can be quite different from your spouse’s so instead of doing for your spouse what you would want done, do what they want and need.

Women need to adapt and learn to respect their spouse’s need as well. If your husband wants to be alone, don’t pound on that locked door trying to see what’s going on and what’s wrong. Just because you would never want to be alone doesn’t mean that he doesn’t need some time and space. Don’t force your need for comfort and support onto your spouse when they are asking to be left alone.

It is critical to really recognize what it is that your spouse needs, how you can be there for them in the way they need, not the way that you need. Don’t fall into the misconception and think that something that you want is what you should do for the other person. That is the wrong mentality and it takes a little while to grasp that the Golden Rule should be broken.

Never assume, find out directly from your spouse how you can be there for them. By and large, men want to be left alone when crying and women want to be comforted and supported but there are exceptions so it’s important that you learn what they need. If you do that consistently, you will mend your relationship and you’re going to be there in a meaningful way for your spouse. Even just asking them what they want can make a huge difference.

I guarantee, making this small shift, will have a profound impact on your relationship. I’ve seen it many times with the couples that I’ve worked with. When the husband starts showing up and showing support, giving comfort, sitting there and finding out what’s going on with her that changes how she perceives him. When the wife is giving that space and not forcing him to talk before he’s ready that really builds rapport and respect.

I know right now is coming at us from all different directions, trying to take us down and break the marriage. While it may seem that the easiest thing to do is to get a divorce, most people can resolve many of the issues in their marriage by learning a few new skills. For more information look under Courses for the Master Your Marriage series and other free resources you can download.

My passion has been to help save marriages and if I can share something with you that gives you inspiration or gives you the tools necessary to have a better relationship it will make me incredibly happy. It will also weigh heavily on your scales if you invest in your marriage and you make the effort. May Allah shower all our relationships with love, with serenity. Allah says , Allah has put between us the love and mercy so let’s try to apply that to our marriages.