How can we influence others? How can we give advice and suggestions to people around us without sounding preachy, pushy, or arrogant? Can we really have an impact on people around us? What if I said yes!
With the right kind of approach and techniques, you can penetrate the hearts of others and make them more receptive toward your advice.
Keep these three traits in mind:
1. Non-judgmental:
To become an influential personality, the first trait is to be non-judgemental. If you are judgmental and wonder why they are the way they are, or if you have a habit of looking down at someone and think you are better off than them, no one is going to be receptive to what you have to say.
This is one of the biggest problems with many people. As they get more religious, they become more judgmental, because they begin comparing people according to their yardstick and when people don’t match up, they just look down at them. But, this is not the trait of a believer.
The Prophet (PBUH) was extremely compassionate. He (PBUH) never looked down on anyone. Once, there was a man who came to the mosque to urinate. He did not know the etiquette to follow while in a place of worship. The Prophet(PBUH) did not chide the man. He allowed him to finish what he was doing and then gently advised him with kindness that what he did was inappropriate. He did not mock the man or look down at him. This made the man accept his (PBUH) advice without feeling humiliated or embarrassed. Therefore, do not be judgmental.
It is also crucial to be non judgmental not just with your words, but with your thoughts too. As a counselor, I’m very aware of this. Always remember that if there’s judgment going in your mind, the person in front of you will feel it.
2. Be humble:
The second thing is to be humble. You need to come from a place of humility because if you think you are self-righteous and somehow superior to others around you, your words of advice will not penetrate the hearts of others no matter how good your intentions are.
3. Compassion:
The third trait is to have compassion. When you have compassion and are giving advice with a feeling of love rather than judgment or harshness, then that compassion will penetrate the hearts and really affect the people around you in a positive manner. When you come from a place of love and are gentle, you will be emulating the Prophet (pbuh).
Look Within Yourself:
Most importantly, being influential if we want to have an impact on someone else, we really need to look within ourselves. A lot of times, we wonder what’s wrong with others while we fail to realize how our words and intentions sound like. We wonder why the other person isn’t responding to our message but the problem could actually be with us rather than with them. Internalize and see how you are getting your message across. Are you being harsh? Are you looking down at them? Before trying to correct another human being, correct yourself. Correct your intention and strive to become humble and soft when dealing with others.
Not only do we have to give advice in a beautiful way and adopt these three characteristics, but we have to be receptive as well. Let’s be kind and patient because everyone is on a journey and has several hardships and heartbreaks we are most probably not aware of. So, let’s use the approach of being kind and persistent inshaAllah.
For the person being advised:
Most people get offended and think they already know everything. If you are one of those people, this is for you.
Be receptive: When someone is giving us advice, let’s not become immediately defensive. Don’t turn it around and make it about the other person. Let’s realize that we are humans and we will make mistakes. There is always scope for improvement. So, when you are being given some advice, see if the person has a fair point. Be receptive and open to other people’s opinions even if you don’t see eye to eye with their point of view. If the person who is advising you has the three aforementioned traits, then know that they’re coming from a good place and they just want to help.
Now, over to you. Let us know what part of this article appealed to you the most, and how you would like to implement it in your life inshaAllah.
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السلام عليكم
Love you sister for uplifting our thoughts.
It says you’re a top supporter
ARebecca Lane Gullett does that tell you anything
i think the best way I found when talking to my kids is that I say (I can feel you and I have been there). To me the best thing is when I seek good advise and the person tells me that she can uderstand my issue or can feel my pain that helps alot and then I can listen to that person better
Assamu’Aleikum Wahrematullahi. Can one of you add me to sister Helah Banani notification list. Once again the notifications has stopped as it did last time. I love Sister Helah’s live lectures and really enjoy it, am truely missing it. Pls add me back. I don’t understand why the notifications suddenly stopped. Jazak’Allah Kheirul if any can add me back.
I looked for God.Iwent to a temple and I didn’t find him there.Then,Iwent to a Church and I didn’t find him there.Then,I went to a mosque and I didn’t find him there.Then finally,I looked in my heart and there He was—
Wonderful… Jazakumullah sister
It has always been fulfilling listening to you
Non judgemental
Very humble
Compassion
Thank you so much for this advice. I’m trying so hard to reach to one of my own blood who has gone away from the path of Islam
Be understanding be humble and be compassionate
This is so true
Thank you
Thank you for advising
So beneficial indeed !
I always experienced that in my life
When we listen from someone who shows that they really care about you and show mercy and humbleness , even if the words are simple or you already know them , you get affected …
And also when I talk to anyone but I see the goodness in them and give them hope , I feel their hearts are flying after they think there is no way out !
Subhanal’Allah today’s lecture is just great, cos It’s eye opener for me. I have been a bit judgemental with one of my child. Insha’Allah will make efforts torectify my harshness. Be non-judgemental, be very humble be compassionate. Cheers sis. Listening to today’s lecture; has been great education for me. May your reward be abundance.
Love this advice for children
Wahleikum Salaam Wahrematullahi. Alhamdhulilah listening to your lecture once. Masha’Allah I Love it.
How to help someone who always complains her husband and husband is good but she only has issues with him and it’s their communication is not high as she wanted but husband likes that short talk but she is not satisfied because his luck of communication what’s best way compromise both of them
Hamdi Allass i guess validating that someone’s feeling? Why she feels the way she feels toward her husband. However, dont quote me on this
Do you have any recommendations of books on how to properly speak and advise? Is there a format for how to speak, because I believe every word you say here, I just seem to have a hard time finding proper syntax for sentences:/
Noor Moussawi I train how to talk effectively in both my programs 5 Pillars of Marriage and the Mindful Hearts Academy http://www.themindfulhearts.com
Jazaki Allahu Khairan, This has been something I’m eager to discover the steps for for a very long time ,
Think we are slave of “ArRahman.”
How can you advise someone who always wants to project they have been victimized unfairly mistreated when they choose to distort the truth, hold grudges and not seek help?
Masha Allah, i find that the non-judgy trait resonates the most to me. Alhamdulillah most of my clients (they’re mostly non-muslim) appreciate this trait of me. Thank you sister
Citra Masjhur You’re welcome! It’s such a critical trait to develop and it’s so rare to find someone who is not judgmental.
Haleh Banani thank you. You empower me to be more confident
I think, there is the point where “the more religious, the more judgemental” becomes “the more religious, the less judgemental”. Obviously, the most religious person of all times was Prophet Muhammad (saws) and he was also one of the least judgemental. The statement “The more religious, the more judgemental” somehow suggests that we should not seek advice from scholars because they will judge us anyway…
Mirah Malaika There are definitely exceptions to this rule. I wasn’t necessarily referring to scholars. I feel average people that start beckk in Ming religious become extremely judgmental of those who are less religious. Many scholars have the experience and wisdom not to judge.
Haleh Banani I think that even many very religious non-scholars have the wisdom and knowledge to not judge. Non of my counselling students and Chaplaincy students are judgemental but very religious maa shaa Allah
Allah bless u always watch videos about u too like converts.
Hurt and emotionally damaged souls can become judgemental and not be able to be compassionate as they are lacking the love and are traumatised but others don’t know that and might get offended or take things the wrong way and not understand why the damaged souls are saying it in a rude way but really that person was deeply hurt and coming from a place of pain so there’s anger in them not being understood and their soul is crying out for help so it’s hard for them to speak in a better way due to their trauma and mental state at that moment of time
Shaheen Mohamed The worse people behave the more hurt they are. Not that it’s acceptable or excusable, but it helps to understand they are in pain and they probably need more compassion than anyone else.
Haleh Banani yer it’s not excusable at all but when they are that traumatised and in their feelings then communicating in a better way with others and in a more suitable tone becomes hard as they can’t think straight or are panicking and so in their feelings. People need to try and heal from their traumas or they will explode and turn in to a person they are not and that’s when hurt people start hurting others unfortunately
How do you give advice to someone when they keep falling into the same situation. You lose the non judge mental, humbleness and compassion.
Rubina Zaman how about patience ?
Rubina Zaman It can be frustrating when someone keeps falling into the same mess. They need to want to change. No amount of advice will work if they don’t decide to help themselves. It sounds like you’re giving advice to someone who is insisting on their wrongdoings.
Haleh Banani yes, it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other and after a while it’s hard to maintain that non-judgemental, humble compassionate and patient approach.
Of course the patience is harder to achieve when it’s a family member vs a non family member.
Haleh Banani Jazakum Allah Khair for your always great advice and tips
True 100%
Be emphatic
Be sympathetic
Be sincere
Masha Allah and yes it is true.
Asalaam alaikum
Be receptive do not become defensive esp. when others give arvice
N Naheed Gal Buinyah
3. Have compassion
2. Be humble. Come from a place of humility
I am not a teacher or student of psychology but I definitely understand the benefits of applying what you share to maintain good relationships in my life
Tahirah Tanwani Alhamdulillah
1.First tip
Non judgemental
Assalamu- Alaykum all the way from Cape Town, South Africa. Very good advise, truly what we should strive to, definitely something I strive to do everyday insha’Allah.
Somayah Thebus Barnes Wa alaikomos salam, alhamdulilllah you’re benefitting.
So true. I think those 3 traits work well together to get an effective message across. Correct me if I am wrong…. but I think that to avoid even thinking those judgemental thoughts your mind has to be clear as well. You cant be thinking about your own problems or making comparisons when you are trying to influence someone. You might just accidentally say something that you didn’t mean to… I am
Tahirah Tanwani Yes, you can’t even think the judgmental thoughts. It will come across in one way or another.
All the three points
Aslm shukran
Beautiful
Be mindful of the way I talk to others keeping those traits in mind
MA all of it was very helpful may Allah give you ajr Haleh joon.
Salam How r u??
Really useful topic
Watching u from The Gambia West Africa thank u
Abdourahman Jallow Masha’Allah that’s great! Welcome!
I missed the 3 traits. Pls let me know what the 3 traits are
Fatima Cassim
1. Non-judgmental
2. Humility
3. Compassion
Allah bless you
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
Can I be Judgmental in a good way?
Munawara Hussen Esmael What do you mean?
What I meant is like wow she got new car, clothes or her husband is very caring for her. Not saying to the person,but behind the person looking at them from across the street.
Munawara Hussen Esmael You should always follow the amazement with mashaAllah tabarakAllah to protect the person. You can’t imagine what harm you can cause a person when you don’t mention Allah while admiring them.
Happy new year
How your doing
Can I be Judgemental in a good way?
Be,
1.non judgemental
2.humble
3.compassionate
Asalamu alaikom dear sister. MashaAllah
Im following you from Malaysia
Assalam o alykum
SAW