Dealing with teenagers can be one of the most daunting tasks for many parents worldwide. While they are excited to take on the world and enter the cusp of adulthood, they still need guidance, support, and friendship now more than ever. On one hand, teenagers want to be unique and individualistic, but on the other hand, they want to be accepted by their peers. They feel like they’re invincible but are equally insecure over the most random things. They want freedom but are limited in their experience. So how do you deal with a teenager, and more so, a teenager that is difficult? 

One of the most trying periods for a parent is when their child is trying to gain autonomy from them and exert their independence but are unsure how to deal with challenges and insecurity that this world throws at them. How you manage to balance between being there to guide them and giving them the freedom and belief to learn from experience will determine whether you will have a positive impact on your child or if your child will complain that you are being too controlling.

So, here are five tips to help you deal with difficult teenagers, and strengthen your relationship with them, insha’Allah.

1- Keep Your Power With You:

The first tip is to not give your power away. Many times, teenagers press our buttons and see how we respond to that. So, if your child has been pressing your buttons by either being disrespectful or disobedient, watch how you respond. If you’re reactionary and are yelling or screaming, the teenager will actually feel like they have power over you. So, you need to keep your calm, keep your cool and not be reactionary. 

For other parents: When you see a fellow parent struggling with their teenager, do not jump into giving advice or conclusions. You can never give advice to someone about a stage of parenting if you haven’t already gone through it because you can read as much as you want and give advice to other people but unless you become a parent of a teenager yourself, you will never know the challenges that lie ahead. 

2- Establish Clear Boundaries:

The second tip is to establish very clear boundaries. This is where you teach your teenager that there are some things that are acceptable while others are not. If you don’t set clear boundaries, when your teenager enters adulthood and deals with marriage or people in their workplaces, they will not be able to adapt to these situations, because these stages of life come with a different set of rules, expectations and boundaries that are totally different from what they have been used to, under you, as a parent. 

So, it’s important to set a clear and concise list of boundaries. Don’t make the list of boundaries very long because your teenager will then label you as being too controlling or bossy. So, be clear with your boundaries. The number one thing that you should expect from your teenager is respect. That is something that is non-negotiable. How do you earn that respect? By being kind, courteous, and respectful towards your teenager but being firm when needed. If you are going to be rude and disrespectful towards your child, your child will not respect you from a place of love. Their obedience towards you will come from a place of fear and hatred. And this form of respect will not last long. They may respect you for a few years, but once they enter adulthood or become financially independent, they may not give you the respect you deserve as a parent. So, earn your respect and establish clear boundaries.

3- Listen:

The third tip is being able to listen. Listen without judgment and be present fully when your teenager is sharing something with you. I have had many youths complaining to me that their parents are too quick to pass judgments, because of which they are unable to share their feelings or have a heart-to-heart conversation with them. They complain that their parents are always the most judgmental people around them.

If you’re judgmental and are constantly making them feel inadequate, then they will stop sharing anything about their lives or their feelings. You don’t want those doors of communication to close on you. So, listen to your teenager without judging them even if what they have to say is making you cringe. Listen and then offer advice without sounding preachy or judgmental. If you hear your teenager doing something haram or unislamic, don’t immediately label them as a bad Muslim, or accuse them of not having taqwa or Imaan. The stage of teenagehood comes with its own set of struggles and heartaches. It is a stage where your child is figuring out who they want to be and whom they want to emulate, so help them come closer to Allah even if they are committing mistakes that they shouldn’t. Gently guide them back to Allah. Don’t judge them.  Parenting difficult teenager’s emotions and curiosity need maturity from your end, because if you say “This dress is haram” or “That song is haram”, you will not get a positive response from your child. So, listen and guide them without judgment. Having an open dialogue with them will help them feel that they are being understood. This will soften their hearts towards the advice you want to share. 

4- Be lighthearted:

Mental health crisis with teenagers is a real challenge these days. You cannot brush it under the carpet or say you didn’t have to deal with any of this when you were their age because the circumstances and the environment surrounding them now are vastly different from what you had to go through. There is a rapid increase in depression and anxiety with teenagers becoming suicidal. You need to be the stress buster your child needs. Be a little lighthearted with them and show empathy.

5- Have Clear-Cut Consequences:

This does not mean you become too easygoing and let your child do what he/she wants. You need to have clear cut boundaries and let them know of consequences for their bad behavior. If they’re doing anything that is potentially harmful or risky to them or those around them, you need to make it clear from early on and let them know that these behaviors will lead to certain consequences.

For those of you who have younger kids, if you invest the time, energy and you put into the love, you will know how to be an effective parent. Your child’s teenage years will then actually be a beautiful stage of bonding. 

So, make your troubled teenager a priority. Make them the center of your attention without being overindulgent, and you will see beautiful results inshaAllah. I pray that we are given the wisdom, the strength, compassion, and empathy to know what to say and how to say to really penetrate the hearts of our children so they can not only survive this Dunya but thrive as well. 

May Allah keep away anyone who is going to be a source of pulling them down and being a negative influence upon them, and may they be a source of light and guidance to everyone around them Inshallah. 

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